Failure

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I’ve mentioned before that sometimes when I go shopping I forget that I am  no longer overweight. I forget that I no longer have to shop in the plus sized section of the store and that my options are no longer as limited as they were when I was heavier. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror I lament to the husband that I still need to lose those last 5 pounds; that what I’ve achieved in my weight loss journey is not nearly enough. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop.

I have a deep fear of failure. I’ve read all the articles about weight loss, and they are so incredibly discouraging. So many studies have shown that a huge percentage of people who lose weight re-gain it. They regain their initial loss, plus add some more pounds. My biggest fear is that I will join those ranks. I have before. When I first decided to lose weight I was in college. I weighed about 265 pounds and I lost 30 pounds in about a year. Within about 4 months I regained it and then some. The next time I would have the courage to weigh myself, I clocked in at 299 pounds. I am terrified that one day I will let it all go. That I will do what I did the first time. I stopped caring. I ate whatever I wanted and I got bigger and bigger and bigger until I finally had to face myself and that scale. Right now, I stay in the range of 137-145. And, I struggle here. I can’t ever seem to get much below that, even though I still have dreams of seeing 130. At 5’5 and a small build, I think that’s pretty realistic on paper. But physically, my body fights it (and I know I can and should attribute that to my thyroid, but still). I worry. I worry so much that one day I will wake up and have a cheat day and another cheat day  and another cheat day. And that one day I will step onto that scale and become part of the thousands who have regained the weight.

Recently, I noticed on one of the forums I follow that I posted to someone who had regained weight for the third time. She had yo-yo’ed with her weight for years, and she was attempting it again. I responded to her by encouraging her to keep going. To not give up. That she was capable. And that is something I have to tell myself. I have to be not only my own tough personal trainer, but also my biggest champion and believer. May be I will regain some weight. Hell, may be I will regain ALL of the weight. I have only been maintaining about 1. 5 years. It could happen. But, if it does….I will try again. If I fail, I will keep trying.

So many of my friends think that this is easy-that the hardest is behind me.  It’s not. Maintaining is not easy. It is such a hard thing, much harder than I ever thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong–losing 160 pounds was hard. But, maintaining is it’s own battle. But, it’s one that I have to make sure to win.

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